some people look at me and my past and think I should be thankful.

I had two loving parents, an lovable older sister, two healthy grandparents and a whole bunch of extended family that loved me. plus friends that I've had forever But to me i see everything that lay beneath those fake shells. my parents disciplined me like crazy. I can't go out on my own or even with friends, I go to the mall less than twice a trimester, they expect straight As anything less even an A- and I get grounded. No allowance or freedom, but I do so much for them. I clean, I cook, I put up with all their fighting and yet I don't ever get recognized. They barely even say they love me anymore. And people wonder why I am so cold to everyone. That so called loving sister, she putsmedown and has been since I was little. She always told me she was better at everything and then I grew to believe that. My grandparents, one can barely remember his name and the other she acts as if she doesn't care that her husband is dying but everytime he's rushed to the hospital she cries. Oh yeah and those extended family members they all barely know me. They wouldn't even try to cry if I died.

Last my forever friends, some of them I've known for more than three years and I've never been to their houses and they've never invited me over or to go out.But yet they will invite ppl they just met a few weeks ago. You're probably thinking how I could stay friends with them right. I stayed by their side because I am loyal. And because I hope one day they will notice how long I've been standing right there ready to catch them if they fall and do the same for me.

Everyday I ask god if this happened because I did something wrong or did I just make it this way myself. I still haven't gotten an answer. I think he wants to tell me but there's something in the way. I think that something is my lack of faith.

I used to think 'I Want' this and that,I may have wanted whatever it was with everything I am but i never got it. I stopped saying 'I want' and began saying 'can I'. Slowly but noticeably I am getting what I can get. It may not be all but this is what I am allowed and that is all that I ask. I may or may not get my dreams and wishes but of what I've got I am thankful for. Even if I hate it sometimes and love it sometimes. I know that there will all ways be someone or something there to offset the bad and bring in the good.

I just poured my emotional wreckage into a blog. I take this chance with lots of fear but lots of hope that someone who is mentioned here will see who I am and why I am this way. Even if they don't change the way they look at me at least they know.